Harry Potter Meets XFiles
by Dangly Chicken Inc
Summary: It’s Harry’s fifth year at Hogwarts, and there are TWO new Defense Against the Dark Arts teachers this year, none other than: MULDER AND SCULLY!
1. Return To Hogwarts

Harry Potter Meets X-Files  
Author: Skulz  
Rating: R (Parental Advisory; Explicit Content)  
Genre: Humor  
Summary: It's Harry's fifth year at Hogwarts, and there are TWO new Defense Against the Dark Arts teachers this year, none other than: MULDER AND SCULLY!  
Disclaimer: Harry Potter, Ron Weasly, Hermione Granger, Hagrid, Professor Dumbledore, Dudley Dursley, Dobby the house-elf, and Professor Snape belong to J. K. Rowling, agents Fox Mulder and Dana Scully belong to Chris Carter, Ten-Thirteen Productions and FOX.  
Spoilers: The baby back ribs thing was taken off Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me, and we all know that Scully's short.  
Author's Note: Another crazy idea I came up with while surfing ff.net  
Dedication: For Jim  
  
Chapter 1: Return To Hogwarts  
  
Harry Potter sat at the Griffindor table in the Great Hall. He grumbled, "Wonder who the Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher is this year." Harry was on his fifth year at Hogwarts school of Witchcraft and Wizardry. And out of the four previous years he had been at this school, there had been four different DADA teachers. Harry played with the peas and potatoes on his plate, acting bored, but really he was anxious and excited to know about all his new teachers, and how Hagrid had been doing lately.  
  
"I heard there weren't going to be any defense teachers this year!" Ron said.  
  
"Well that's just bullshit!" Hermione replied, "Of course there are going to be defense teachers! What the hell kind of school do you think they're running here?" Hermione had decided to take up a new attitude during summer break, which included swearing, and kicking other's asses.  
  
"Hermione Granger! Did I hear some profanity here?" Professor Snape snapped.  
  
"What of it?" Hermione told him.  
  
"Fifty points off Griffindor!" he shouted.  
  
"Fuck you," Hermione told him.  
  
"Fifty MORE points!" Snape yelled.  
  
"Jesus Christ! Do you think I care?"  
  
"Just say the word, and I'll go."  
  
"Go!"  
  
"Eenie, meanie, minie."  
  
"Moe."  
  
"A famous clown?"  
  
"Bobo."  
  
"Your mama was a?"  
  
"Mudblood-I mean hoe."  
  
"Griffindor is now down three hundred points," Snape proudly announced, patting Hermione on the head.  
  
"Get your hairy palms off me!" the girl squealed, pushing Snape to the ground, and kicking him several times for pleasure. Ron got up from where he sat, staring in awe at the bruised and bloody professor Snape.  
  
"Hermione! What the crap!" Ron exclaimed.  
  
"We didn't need him anyway, he was a pussy!" Hermione snapped, and tore off her robe, revealing a sluttish outfit that exposed more than necessary. Harry and Ron stared, wide-eyed at the new Hermione. "What the fuck are you two gawking at?" she asked.  
  
"You're a prostitute!" Harry cried, and fainted, right there on the floor.  
  
End of Chapter 1 


	2. The Undercover Agents

Chapter 2: The Undercover Agents  
  
Agent Fox Mulder sat at his cluttered desk, hoping to find a lead into the case he had been investigating for the past three months. This particular one involved magic. The sort of stuff you might see in a fantasy novel. There were witches, wizards, and all sorts of other magical creatures. He came upon this case while in England, when he spotted a flying car (hint, hint). He sighed, picked up a piece of paper, and threw it to the ground. There was almost nothing to go on with this one, and he was beginning to feel somewhat depressed.  
  
Suddenly in came agent Dana Scully. She slowly came up to him, and in a bored, yet serious tone said, "We're going undercover."  
  
"Pardon me?" Mulder said, while aiming a pencil at the ceiling.  
  
"Undercover. It seems that back in jolly old England, somebody's squealed, and we've got a way into this case," Scully explained in her usual droning tone.  
  
"Uh huh. How are you sure we can trust this person?" Mulder asked.  
  
"We don't, but it seems like our best shot," Scully remarked.  
  
"Okay, bring him in," Mulder instructed.  
  
Scully opened the door, revealing a pudgy boy of about sixteen. "This is Dudley Dursley." The boy looked up at her, in sort of awe.  
  
"Are you single?" he asked in a high-pitched voice.  
  
"Well, as a matter of fact . . ." Scully began.  
  
"She isn't," Mulder finished, motioning for the kid to sit down. "Tell me a bit about what you know."  
  
Dudley told Mulder and Scully the fascinating story of Harry Potter. It took him about six hours to actually finish, and by that time, Mulder was masturbating, and Scully had smoked three whole joints of marijuana.  
  
"I like that story," Scully said in a very calm voice.  
  
"Oh, yes!" Mulder exclaimed, sexually.  
  
But Dudley was much too afraid to say anything more, for his lips were swollen from talking for six straight hours, and he was quite hungry. So the boy left the two agents in the basement office, not knowing whether to report them to their fellow FBI or to just forget the whole goddamn experience entirely.  
  
Only days later, Fox and Dana had began to analyze what Dudley had told them of the 'magical world'. They decided that there was only one way to get there: platform nine and three-quarters. That's right, everybody! Mulder and Scully were going to England!  
  
End of Chapter 2  
  
=== Look forward (in future chapters) to Scully getting squashed!! === 


	3. The Hogwarts Express

Chapter 3: The Hogwarts Express  
  
In only a day's time, agents Mulder and Scully were down in jolly old England. They had found some fake identities, and used them to the advantage. The two agents now had undercover jobs, Defense Against the Dark Arts teachers at Hogwarts. Mulder and Scully were dressed in strange robes that they had come upon in Diagon Alley. Scully wore green, and Mulder wore red. It seemed that the two didn't know what the hell they had gotten themselves into, but nevertheless, there they were, down at Kings Cross Station, trying to figure out where the platform lay.  
  
"We're never going to find that fucking platform!" Mulder whined, punching the wall.  
  
"Yeah," Scully mumbled, looking equally stumped, "let's go the fuck home."  
  
"Did I hear you say you were lost?" asked a large man that was about seven meters taller than Scully.  
  
"No, you heard us say, FUCK OFF! Listen, hobo, we don't have any money, so piss off," Mulder instructed.  
  
"No! I'm not a hobo! I'm Hagrid, grounds keeper of Hogwarts at your service," the man said, lunging forward to shake Mulder's hand, all the while, stepping on Scully.  
  
"Hey!" Scully screeched.  
  
"Sorry, wee one," Hagrid said, taking his foot of the short agent's back.  
  
"Bitch," Scully mumbled.  
  
"Excuse me? Did I just hear profanity from a CHILD?" Hagrid asked.  
  
"I'm not a child! I'm forty-two!" Scully cried.  
  
"Jesus Christ, she's tiny!" Hagrid whispered to Mulder, "In fact. She looks a bit like a baby!"  
  
Mulder looked at Hagrid with a bit of shock.  
  
"C'mere! I'm gonna eat ya!" Hagrid boomed, chasing after Scully, "I'm bigger than you, I'm higher in the food chain! Get in my belly!"  
  
"Um, Hagrid, no, okay?" Mulder said.  
  
"Listen, sir, I'll give you directions to Hogwarts and I'll pay you money, and I'll get your baby!"  
  
"Right."  
  
"I want my baby back, baby back, baby back ribs. I want my baby back, baby back, baby back ribs. Chili's baby back ribs!" Hagrid sang, like he was Fat Bastard off Austin Powers.  
  
"Listen, okay? Scully and I work together, and plus, she's MY posse."  
  
"Sorry," Hagrid said, "This way, everybody." Scully dusted herself off and followed the man that had just tried to devour her. Hagrid pressed a little red button on a remote control that opened a portal to nine and three quarters. The large man walked through the wall; calling to M and S, "Hurry up!"  
  
Mulder shrugged, and stepped through the wall with no problem. Scully looked around, feeling quite nervous, and walked straight into the wall. "Ow! Jesus!" Scully cried, holding her nose that had banged into the brick wall.  
  
"Sorry," Hagrid's voice echoed. Scully flipped the wall the bird and walked through.  
  
In only about half an hour, Hagrid and the undercover agents had arrived at Hogwarts. "Sir, baby-I mean ma'am, you two never told me your names," Hagrid uttered.  
  
"I'm professor Falcon Moldy, and this is professor Dianne Sculder, we're the new Defense Against the Dark Arts teachers," Mulder introduced.  
  
Hagrid shivered.  
  
"What's wrong?" Mulder asked.  
  
"Nothing, just, um. Lately, the DADA teachers have been . . . Not important," Hagrid quickly said.  
  
The agents shrugged and walked into the large castle.  
  
End of Chapter 3  
  
=== More squashed Scully to come! === 


	4. Two New Professors

Chapter 4: Two New Professors  
  
Harry and Ron sat at the Griffindor table, once again finding themselves playing with their peas and potatoes. There were two new professors in the Defense Against the Dark Arts sector. Harry wondered how many times he would have to fight Voldemort before they removed that subject. "I can't wait to meet the new professors," Ron's sister Ginny squeaked.  
  
"Yadda, yadda, yadda," Ron mumbled.  
  
"I heard the guy's really hot," Ginny gossiped.  
  
"Whatever," Ron replied, flicking his sister's forehead.  
  
"I also heard that the woman was having an affair with Dumbledore, but somehow, I can't see him having sex," Ginny told.  
  
"Uh huh," Harry mumbled, but his mind was somewhere else. His eye was on professor Snape, who was completely beaten up. It reminded him that Hermione was suspended until New Years, which was in four months.  
  
The students suddenly all looked up at Dumbledore who stood before them on a podium. "Students and staff of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry let me present to you our two new professors."  
  
The whole hall whistled and clapped as Mulder and Scully - Or should I say Moldy and Sculder stepped onto the stage. "Holey shit, Ginny, he really IS hot!" Harry exclaimed, as he stared in awe at professor Moldy.  
  
"On behalf of our school, I welcome professors Falcon Moldy and Dianne Sculder," Dumbledore announced. And once again, everybody clapped. The agents smiled, everyone believed their disguise. "Now, everyone. You must be wondering which houses these two will be in. Professor Moldy, you will be in Griffindor, and professor Sculder, you are in Slytherin."  
  
"Fuck!" Ron exclaimed out loud. Everyone looked toward him with angry looks on their faces. He had never been known to scream obscenities. What they didn't know was that Mr. Weasly had a major crush on the midget known as professor Sculder.  
  
"Mr. Weasly, join me in my office after supper," Dumbledore instructed. All suddenly became louder, the professors joined their tables, and desert was served.  
  
End of Chapter 4  
  
== Scully will be squished! I promise! == 


	5. Griffindor and Slytherin

Chapter 5: Professor Moldy in Griffindor/ Sculder in Slytherin  
  
After supper, the two professors were split up and taken into their new houses. Harry, Ron, and Ginny led Moldy up to the dorms. "And this is where we split up," Ginny said, "Good night, professor." Ginny winked at the sexy male and made her way to the girls' dorms.  
  
"So, I sleep in the boy's dorms?" Moldy inquired.  
  
"Yes, you can sleep with me-I mean, uh, in the dorm," Harry corrected.  
  
"Okay, then," Moldy muttered, looking at Harry with a strange frown. He could tell that the young wizard was a 'Mo.  
  
Harry and Ron led Mulder-I mean Moldy to his bed, and said their goodnights. Mulder liked the boys' gratitude towards him, and was happy he had been put into Griffindor. He wondered if Scully was having as much fun as he was.  
  
MEANWHILE . . .  
  
Agent Dana Katherine Scully (Dianne Sculder) was busily trying to get the students under control. Professor Snape had been vitally injured, so the kids were celebrating. Scully yelled at the top of her lungs, "SHUT THE FUCK UP!" But it didn't work.  
  
"WHY DON'T YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP, PIPSQUEAK?" one of the first year students retorted back.  
  
Scully said nothing more. She was doomed to failure, and she would probably not succeed in her undercover work.  
  
Suddenly, a voice called to her, "I can help you, professor Sculder."  
  
"Who?" she asked.  
  
"It is I, Drako Malfoy," the blond boy said.  
  
"Uh huh," Sculder replied.  
  
"Do you want to get them under control? I can help you."  
  
"Sure."  
  
"Come with me." Drako led Sculder down into the dungeons where snakes slithered across their shoes. "This is where I keep it."  
  
"Keep what?"  
  
"This." Drako pulled back a metal cover, revealing a little assortment of drugs in Ziploc bags.  
  
Sculder gasped. "You do realize that you could get arrested for this kind of drug dealing?"  
  
"Your not a squealer, are you Sculder? If you are, I'll hunt you down and," Drako was too afraid to finish. He didn't want to even hint at the fact he was going to say it.  
  
"What? You gonna kill me?"  
  
"No. Just never mind."  
  
"What? That IS your drug stash, isn't it?"  
  
"Uh, it's not all mine."  
  
"Then who's is it?"  
  
"He who shall not be named."  
  
Sculder looked stumped. "Who?"  
  
"I can't say it!"  
  
"WHO!" Sculder shook the boy, but realized it was no use. She was now part of it.  
  
What she did not know was that the professor had just gotten herself in deep shit with Voldemort's secret drug stash.  
  
End of Chapter 5  
  
=== Squashed Scully will be soon, I PROMISE!! === 


	6. First Day of DADA

Chapter 6: First day of DADA  
  
Professor Moldy stood outside in the courtyard, feeling alone. It was five am, and he couldn't go back to sleep. He had been thinking about what that boy, Harry had said. Moldy paced around the yard like he was a mad scientist, and he still couldn't figure out why Harry had scared him so much. Was Harry a homo, or was he just a weird kid that blurts out things that he doesn't mean? Maybe I'm a homophobe, Moldy thought. He suddenly caught sight of a very tired professor Sculder trudging across the field. "Are you alright? You look like you haven't slept in ten years, Sculder."  
  
"Uh huh," Sculder replied.  
  
"What happened in your house?"  
  
"The kids were going crazy. So this one guy, Drako Malfoy, came up to me and led me down to the dungeons and showed me all these drugs that belonged to the dark lord, and, and, and . . ."  
  
"It's okay." Moldy put his arm around Sculder, who was now crying because of her lack of sleep and horrible encounters. "I'm here, and the kids won't bother me."  
  
In only an hour or so, the students began to arrive, and Moldy and Sculder began to teach, even though they had never done such a thing like this in their lives. Moldy took out his new wand and aimed at a tree, "Conspiracy torso!" The tree lit up with amazing colour and died. "Now you try," Moldy instructed.  
  
He saw the children's failed attempt at the 'conspiracy torso' trick. He sighed. Sculder spoke up, "here's something a bit easier: ALIEN AUTOPSY!" Sculder raised her wand at the sky and down came a UFO. The class cheered.  
  
"How about THIS?" Moldy asked, "XXX PORN!" A naked Dumbledore appeared in the clouds. The crowd oohed and awed.  
  
"You wanna go, punk?" Sculder yelled at Moldy.  
  
"Sure, you clit-licking daughter of a bastard!" Moldy shouted.  
  
"ALIEN COCK!" Sculder screamed.  
  
But Moldy blocked the attack with, "PETER PAN PUSSY!"  
  
"GIGANTIC FRENCH ABDUCTION!" That one hit Moldy hard.  
  
He got up quickly and yelled, "CONSPIRACY HOMOSEXUAL!"  
  
But Sculder counteracted it with, "CONSPIRACY HETEROSEXUAL!"  
  
Their little battle went on and on for about three hours, and by then their class had become much larger than it was originally. Moldy and Sculder suddenly looked around, seeing that they had just wasted three hours battling each other in front of small impressionable children. But it was too late to clean up their acts, for along came Dumbledore to settle their little battle.  
  
"Fight the future!" Dumbledore cried, making everything transform back to their original form. He looked toward the two meddling professors, with an evil glint in his eye. "Professors. I will not tolerate such actions! All DADA classes are postponed until next Thursday."  
  
Moldy and Sculder looked at each other in awe. "Dumbledore, sir, can I get an opinion in?" Moldy asked.  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Sir, what you just said -now let me put this exactly as I feel- was utter and complete BULLSHIT!"  
  
"You know what Moldy. I think it's great you have an opinion of your own. You may scrub the toilets for the next three weeks, and no supper for the next five days."  
  
"Kiss my ass!"  
  
Then the kids chimed in, "Yeah! Kiss his ass!" Then they all began to chant, "Kiss his ass! Kiss his ass! Kiss his ass!" over and over again until Dumbledore literally got up on stage and professor Moldy let him kiss his ass.  
  
It was an amazing session, seeing their headmaster kiss a grown man's behind. The students were very intrigued by this act of homosexuality. And to tell the truth, it turned Harry Potter on.  
  
End of Chapter 6  
  
=== Normally I would say something about squishing Scully, but I just want to say I'm sorry for spelling 'Draco' wrong. I've learned. === 


	7. Leprechauns!

Chapter 7: Leprechauns!  
  
That night, the young Draco Malfoy slipped out of Slytherin to check on the secret stash. He didn't have Sculder with him, because she was still down at the girls' toilets cleaning. Mr. Malfoy crept oh, so silently down the stairs in his dark bedclothes. He wished ever so much that he had Harry's invisibility cloak, Draco certainly wasn't the best at sneaking around in the dark.  
  
Soon, Malfoy was down in the damp, dank dungeons where the little Ziploc bags lay. Draco smiled, with a twinkle in his eye as he opened the vault. Inside there were the glistening illegal drugs. Malfoy wondered if Voldemort would notice if he just took a little bit of crack back to bed with him. He decided it was okay, and slowly took the little baggie out of the vault. Draco took a sniff. It smelled like wet, hot, sex in the shower early in the morning. Then, smiling, he took another sniff, getting himself just that little bit higher.  
  
Then, suddenly, in came the dark lord, Voldemort. "Draco Malfoy! What are you doing!" the lord's voice filled the room.  
  
Little Malfoy jumped, and in a very drugged voice said, "Who's yo daddy?"  
  
"Pardon me? You dare mock me!" Voldemort cried.  
  
"Who's yo daddy?" Malfoy exclaimed, and ran out of the room with the baggie of cocaine in his palm.  
  
Voldemort sighed, "It's so hard to find good help these days." He turned to the vault and shut it. Who knows? Maybe Draco will cause an accident? The dark lord smirked and turned away, laughing hysterically.  
  
Draco Malfoy ran up the stairs, seeing things that weren't there, and crying to the sky very disturbing phrases, such as, "I see purple lamp shades! I see purple lampshades!"  
  
Professor Dianne Sculder was coming back from the vigorous toilet scrubbing, when she came upon Mr. Malfoy on his way up the stairs. "Um, Draco, are you okay?" she asked, in a calm voice, turning to him.  
  
Draco stared back with fire in his eyes; he didn't recognize Sculder, considering the crack had warped his small mind. "I...Hate...Leprechauns!" he cried, pointing at Sculder, who did somewhat fit the description quite well. We're talking about a short woman with red hair that was wearing a little green suit and a little green hat to match. Leprechaun!  
  
Sculder stepped back from the boy who was clearly out of his mind. "I, uh," she began whenever she was about to tell somebody something personal that required confidence, "I think you're high, Malfoy. Let's get back to the dorms." Sculder tried to take his hand, but Draco refused, and pushed her away.  
  
"I...Hate...Leprechauns!" Malfoy cried again, taking out a knife he had recently bought from a door-to-door salesman. He began to get closer to Sculder, who seemed to be the victim. Sculder stepped away, first slowly and then she began to run (in her new high heels), with the high wizard at her heels, calling, "I hate leprechauns!" and making attempts to kill the professor.  
  
Sculder and Malfoy continued their little chase until they found themselves outside the Griffindor dorms. Draco stepped back from the door and ran the other way, like he was scared or something. Sculder smiled, "That's right, you little shit! Run!" She watched as the teenager run until he was out of sight. She crossed her arms, proving that she had won, whatever they were trying to achieve. Sculder stood there for a moment, soon realizing that Malfoy had run away for a reason. Down came a little elf-like creature. She gasped, looking at the man that was surprisingly just as short as she was. Sculder ran away, not knowing what to make of this creature. Professor Sculder did not know that she had just come into contact with Dobby the house elf.  
  
Sculder was quickly back at Slytherin. As she opened up the secret door, she realized that the students had a little surprise for her. Each Slytherin pupil held two little eggs in their dirty palms. Sculder shuddered as the eggshells cracked against her robe, and the yolk ran down the green material. Her face went completely purple, and she finally yelled, "That's enough! Things are going to change around here!" Sculder picked up a bucket and a mop. "You will begin scrubbing this room until I pass it off as spotless! Begin!" The children were surprisingly kind and began to scrub as the 'leprechaun' had asked. And by morning, the room was positively sparkling.  
  
End of Chapter 7  
  
=== Okay! Squashed Scully, I know! It'll come soon, I promise. === 


	8. A Meeting

Chapter 8: A Meeting  
  
Sculder trudged across the field early the next morning. She sat on a stone bench beside a pot of daises. "Ah," she sighed, hoping that Moldy would be there soon. Ms. Sculder looked around, hoping Dumbledore wouldn't catch her, because obviously she wasn't doing the chores. Dianne tapped her wand on her knee; sort of hoping Moldy would show up sooner or later.  
  
So, of course, in a matter of minutes, Sculder spied Moldy trudging across the field, himself. He had a desolate look upon his face, and the rings around his eyes looked darker than usual. Falcon Moldy made his way toward the little stone bench where Sculder sat. "You had some evidence you wanted to show me, Scully?" Moldy asked, not using his partner's alias.  
  
"Yeah, Mulder. A couple of nights ago this kid took me down to the dungeons, and he led me to this drug stash," Scully replied.  
  
Mulder yawned, "That's all? You woke me up just because of a secret drug stash!"  
  
"Your beginning to sound like me, Mulder!" Scully snapped.  
  
"Keep your voice down! Listen, last night, the boys told me some stories of how Harry Potter's defeated the dark lord. He did it, like five times!" Mulder whispered.  
  
"Ah! So that's why Draco doesn't like him! Draco works for Volde- I mean the dark lord," Scully murmured.  
  
Mulder nodded his head. "Scully, we have to make an arrest for Voldemort. Who knows how long he's had this drug stash. And this Draco guy is so obviously in on it! We've gotta get Harry."  
  
Scully stared at him, "Okay. I, uh, I'll meet you in the Great Hall in five minutes." The two undercover agents quickly walked back toward the castle, hoping that soon Mr. Harry Potter would help them defeat the dark lord once and for all.  
  
Back in the Griffindor boys' dorms, there lay Harry, asleep in his four- poster bed. His nose whistled every time he exhaled, and each time he inhaled, you could hear bubbling snot in his nose. Most of the other boys had already gotten up, had their showers and made their way down to the common room, but Harry was a lazy boy, so he slept in.  
  
Instantly, in burst professor Moldy, crying to Harry, "Get up! Get up!" and hassling the boy until he opened his sleepy little eyes. "Come on, Harry! There's no time to loose!" Moldy grabbed the half-asleep teenager who was still not quite sure what they were doing, and dragged him down to the Great Hall where Sculder waited impatiently with Draco by her side.  
  
"What the fuck is he doing here!" Harry cried, suddenly realizing that he was facing his worst enemy.  
  
"He's going to lead us down to the dungeons so we can arrest the bastard with the drug stash!" Sculder explained, giving them her 'there's no time to loose' look.  
  
Harry stared at the three other people in astonishment. "You idiots! Ron, Hermione and I could've led you down there easily! What the hell were you thinking! Draco Malfoy will just try to fuck with you!" The boy looked steamed.  
  
Sculder whispered to Moldy, "Maybe we should've just brought the slut and lover boy."  
  
Moldy nodded. "Too late now, Sculder, we don't even know where they are." Suddenly, Harry spied a red-haired teenaged boy running down the staircase.  
  
"Hey, look! It's Ron!" Harry cried.  
  
"No! Professor Sculder! Don't go down there! I don't want it to hurt you!" Ron yelled making his way quickly toward the minute professor. The boy hugged her, and Sculder couldn't help but feel weird about it. "You're the only woman I've ever loved!"  
  
"I, uh. Ron, I don't think I can, you know... Return that one..." Sculder began.  
  
"But, but why?" Ron cried, wiping a single tear off his freckled cheek.  
  
"Ron, no matter what age I look like to you, I'm forty-five. I don't think marrying you is legal, even if I wanted to."  
  
"I never said I thought you were younger!" Sculder gave him a look of anger. "I, I didn't mean it like that!"  
  
"Ron, I'll see you later, okay?" Sculder said, and planted a warm, pink kiss on his head.  
  
Ron blushed, "Be careful!" he called to them, as he watched his friends walk off down the corridor.  
  
End of Chapter 8  
  
=== Squashed Scully in the next chapter! === 


	9. In The Dungeon

Chapter 9: In the Dungeon  
  
Mulder looked around the dark, smelly little room. "Wow! I never thought I'd see the day when there was a worse looking place than the basement office."  
  
"What's the 'basement office'," Harry asked, "Some kind of prison?"  
  
Mulder smiled, "Kind of like that."  
  
Draco led his three acquaintances to the little vault that held all Voldemort's drugs. "It's right here; all in the vault. Just take it and go! I don't want to be part of this stupid shit any more!" Malfoy cried, flinging open the heavy stone door, revealing the Ziploc Baggies.  
  
Suddenly, a voice boomed from above, "I don't think so, Mr. Malfoy! Not without a price!" Voldemort jumped down from his hiding place. He was in human form, wearing a tattered black robe that covered his whole torso, and a hood covered his head. His face was surrounded by darkness, and no one could even see what he looked like.  
  
Draco screamed like a little girl and tried to run away, but Voldemort yelled, "Evil bisexuality!" Draco floated in the air for a second, and then he split into two. There was blood everywhere, and Mr. Malfoy was finally dead.  
  
Sculder gasped, staring at the boy for a moment, and fainted in Moldy's arms. "It's all up to you, Harry! Remember what I taught you!" Moldy called.  
  
Harry quickly turned to the man, nodded, and took out his wand, "Conspiracy torso!" Harry yelled at the top of his voice. Voldemort fell down with the hard blow of alien colour. While his opponent was down, Harry yelled another spell, "Alien cock!" which made Voldemort shake, and shake until he could barely stand.  
  
As the dark lord lay on the ground, he said to Harry, "I cannot withstand the greater powers of the aliens! I must fight the future!"  
  
Mulder laughed, even though he had rambled on about stuff like that millions of times before. "You're just a big pussy!" Mulder yelled.  
  
"You dare defy me!" Voldemort cried, getting up off the floor and rushing to Mulder.  
  
The man nodded and punched the dark lord in the side of the head. "Let's do this the Scooby Doo way, and see who's under the hood, shall we?" Mulder asked, as he took the hood off to reveal...  
  
"Hermione?!" Harry cried.  
  
"Yes, you dimwit. And I would've gotten away with my drug stash, too if it weren't for you meddling kids!"  
  
"But why?" Harry asked.  
  
"Nothing ever happens here! I wanted some drugs so we could all get high together! Don't you see, Harry? We could've had a better life!" the crazed girl yelled.  
  
"Okay, miss, that's enough. Your coming with us," Mulder said, and Scully got up off the ground.  
  
"What do you mean? Your just two stupid professors! What the hell are you going to do?" Hermione shouted.  
  
"Agents Fox Mulder and Dana Scully, FBI," Mulder said, holding up his badge, Scully held hers up, too. Hermione rolled her eyes, and sighed. She was caught and there was nothing more to do.  
  
End of Chapter 9  
  
=== Squashed Scully! Next chapter! === 


	10. Hagrid's Hugs

Chapter 10: Hagrid's Hugs  
  
After their short battle, and having Hermione taken away to Azkaban, the three heroes stood outside in the courtyard for the reward ceremony. Mulder, Harry, and Scully stood next to Dumbledore's podium, blushing from all the fame. "Now, to introduce the three heroes who have successfully imprisoned Voldemort: Harry Potter!" Dumbledore announced, as Harry came up and got his medal from the head master. "Fox Mulder!" Mulder also went up to get his medal. "And last, (probably least, too), Dana Scully!" Scully ran up to the podium, making Dumbledore almost lie on the ground to put the medal around her neck.  
  
Scully stood beside Mulder, "I think we've done a good thing here."  
  
"Yeah. Do you think we should expose the magical community to the public?" Mulder asked.  
  
"I don't think so. In some ways they already know," Scully replied, staring up at the old castle, "You know, I'm really going to miss it here.  
  
"Who said we had to leave?" Mulder inquired.  
  
"We have jobs we have to get back to, and we have to file the report, and." Scully began.  
  
"Shh," Mulder hushed her and kissed his partner on the lips. Little did they know Ron was watching?  
  
"Aww! Fuck! Now I have no chance with her!" Ron yelled.  
  
"One picture for our heroes!" Hagrid called, and everybody gathered around for the picture. The flash went off and the photo was finished. "Hey, Harry, how bout a hug for old times' sake?"  
  
"Sure, Hagrid," Harry agreed. Hagrid stepped forward, for the last time stepping on poor, unfortunate Scully. Blood squirted out from under his big boot, and at that moment, they all knew the female agent was dead.  
  
"No!" Ron cried, rushing over to his beloved Scully's pancaked body. He knelt down to prey for her, but she was dead and nothing could bring a squashed leprechaun back to life, could they?  
  
Suddenly, an elf-like creature began to run toward the flattened body, "Hello, Mr. Ron Weasly. I am Dobby the house-elf. Pleased to make your acquaintance."  
  
"Um, hi..." Ron said.  
  
"I can make a squashed leprechaun come back to life..."  
  
End  
  
==Maybe I could've made the ending a bit better. Thanks for reading, please review! === 


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